Coffee Dharma

Missing Vices

Posted on 11. Sep, 2007 by Rob in All, Musings, Older

As I quickly approach my 30th birthday I find myself missing the days when recklessness was a way of life. I don’t necessarily miss the forgotten days, the destructive nature, or the bruises of my past. I miss the times when going to the bar was a daily adventure and life was simply gauged by how much beer money I might have at the time.

I recently had the opportunity to catch up with some old friends online and it brought back a flood of memories. As my mind is obviously biased, these memories were mostly happy in nature. I look back on countless hours of laughter and recklessness. I imagine if I thought long enough on the subject there would be some darker images that would eventually surface as well. I miss being able to drink enough for a small army and wake up without effect. I miss smoking packs a day without the slightest wheeze. I miss the ability to ignore consequences because my actions affected no one but myself and I was virtually indestructible.

I find myself much more cautious and deliberate in my actions these days. I rarely drink because I have too many responsibilities the next day. I don’t often go out and attempt to socialize because I would rather spend time with my wife and son. My body is quick to reject any adventures into my past by reminding me that my liver is holding a grudge and my injuries do not heal as quickly as they used to. While I understand that every person goes through these stages of nostalgia, I still find myself daydreaming of an easier and more dramatic time in my life.

The biggest statement of maturity I finally realized was not that I was craving these memories, but rather that deep down I really don’t have any desire to act upon them. I am who I am today because of my past actions. I would never trade my family and stability now for those days again. I guess I will always cling to the memories of my past as the ultimate personal memoirs. My daily life may not be as exciting now, but it is definitely nice to have the ability to write this new stage and actually remember the details.

Tags: Life, Musings